Why are Dunkin’ Donuts muffins so impossible to eat?

I’ve probably spent close to a year’s wages on coffee and pastries in my short life. And I’ve had my share of shitty coffee and dried out, day-old pastries. Dunkin’ Donuts sells lawnmower swill mistaken by a majority of New Englanders as “coffee,” but the pastries do well in a pinch. So nothing is more confounding to me than the fact that Dunkin’ Donuts’ otherwise fresh, moist and (in general) satisfying muffins are unbelieveably difficult to eat.

Exhibit A, muffin before attempted consumption:

Now, imagine my frustration when, after removing just the wrapper and taking one quadrant of the top of the muffin in my hands, the muffin vomitted its insides out in a violent flinging of cranberry and orange undercooked dough:

This disaster after one bite. Just one! The remaining five or six “bites” consisted mainly of me assembling a food bolus in my hand out of the moist crumbs, chewing through the doughy ball, and angrily wiping my greasy hands on my desk chair.

I never thought the word ‘bolus’ and ‘muffin’ would be uttered in reference to a transaction happening outside of the body, but you gotta do what you gotta do if you want to enjoy more than 35% of your $1.73 muffin.

Am I the only one who must suffer this fate? Does the muffin intentionally implode because I despise the creator’s coffee? If you know how to eat these things in peace, please, for the love of god, let me know.